Why a Memoir?

Though I have always wanted to express my thoughts in writing, a memoir was the last thing I wanted to write. Living a double life, wafting between reality and fantasy, I would not have wanted to disclose all the turmoil within.

Over the years, I built fortresses within and put guards around them so no one would ever know my real self. Suddenly, without any warning, my humdrum world burst like a water balloon pricked with a sharp object as my husband went to be with the Lord. While I tried so sort through a major impact of how to live without Glen, I had to come to an understanding of and take responsibility for all the things God revealed to me after Glen’s departure.

Through a local grief support program, a kind lady stepped into my life and said she would walk the grief journey with me. In reality, no one had ever walked with me through emotional turmoil. She became my “angel of healing,” as, learning of my deeper emotional baggage, she referred me to counseling. However, in the meantime, I began to put this sweet, Southern woman on a pedestal and transferred my codependency from my husband to her. The baggage began to multiply to what seemed an exponential degree, as I became overwhelmed with grief, depression, and the realization of an unhealthy dependence upon my new friend.

Just as Glen and I had accumulated so much “stuff” in our house, God began to show me the stuff within. In my book, I describe “childhood shackles” and “teenage handcuffs.” I also write of “the place of empty” and “degrees of darkness.” God began to liken my story to the story of David and Goliath, where I learned that “the battle is the Lord’s.” Sure enough, the giant showed his true colors, and I was presented with two choices: 1) submit to God and His Word and conform to His will, or 2) keep going as I was, hiding my emotions and idols of gargantuan proportions.

Through His grace and over a few years, I have experienced a metamorphosis from shame-based religion to a grace-based relationship with the Lord. Do you find yourself on one end or the other or anywhere in between on the religion/relationship spectrum?

Mary Lehman